Well, with the holiday season over and New Years resolutions on our minds I have a heavy blanket of guilt. I ate terribly, drank merrily, and neglected my writing. And you? I hope survived the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 better than I. I am conflicted. I am on a medicine called 6MP or mercaptopurine. It is an immune suppressant that is commonly used on chemotherapy patients. It slows my immune system down which is good since Crohn's disease essentially puts your immune system on over drive. BUT it also slows my metabolism which I have gained some weight. I am finally eating what I want and absorbing the nutrients and should be happy. Right? But the weight looms over my happiness to enjoy food and energy. It is not all encompassing but it lingers. The other issue I am having is that the 6mp makes me completely symptom free, well that and the surgery that removed the infected areas and scarred areas) that I often loose my drive to eat right. I know in my heart of hearts that sticking to the diet will help keep me healthy. BUT it is hard to stay motivated when, for example, if I eat sour dough bread I don't swell up and or throw up. I feel little too full and less energetic but by far healthy. My biggest dread is staying on 6mp. I would like to start a family in about two years. I will stop taking the 6mp prior to trying to get pregnant. The doctors claim that it will not harm the baby but there are no long term studies on the effects of 6mp in humans (even at a low dosage). To my knowledge there is not long term studies on the effects of 6mp taken by moms on babies conceived and carried full term. If you have seem studies on this matter please point me in the right direction. All the research I have read claims that women feel better while pregnant and for up to 8-10 years after having a child that suffer from Crohn's disease. My aunt, not by blood, has Crohn's. She had two children and was medicine free for her girls. She felt better while pregnant and for the following several years and she was able to stay off medicine. This too is my plan. I would like to go off the 6mp to conceive. I would also like to maintain the diet. I believe that the diet can only help. I have read testimonies that it can heal. I personally believe that it can heal only if the infection is not severe. If severe, the infected areas including or not fistulas need to be removed. My hope is between my body working to create, nurture, and protect a growing child and the diet that I will maintain my health during pregnancy and years after. That is not to say that the first time I have symptoms I will not make an appointment to see my doctor. I maintain my belief that you must be proactive. You must do something to stop and help heal the infection immediately. Letting things go and hoping they will get better often can lead to damage that can not be healed and for me had to be removed.
On to procrastination and motivation. I need to stop procrastinating and move on to self motivation. I am trying to find a recipe a day to put online. I am going to take pictures of what I cooked. I am going to keep a log of my workout schedule. I will stop indulging in merry drinking.
Every medical test I have had in the past year shows I have no active infection. I am so happy. I am conflicted about staying on the 6mp. BUT will for at least one to two more years until my body has maintained health. I was sick for so long that the thought of it returning is much more terrifying than the possible long term effects that I create in my imagination. I do believe that the scale will tip and go the other direction in time. I believe in medicine and the wonderful things it can do. BUT I also believe that western medicine doesn't have all the answers and underestimates the power of will, food, diet, and motivation. I think we all need to find our won balance.
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